i hate to win

i look back after a match and think to myself, 'great job. good work. all those hours in the gym finally paid off.'

but then i think about my opponent and i think, 'man, he went through the same things as i did. in all probability he's been training even harder than i have. he sacrificed his body and mind and soul to face me. he had dreams. he made promises to people. his whole life had revolved around that one encounter.'

and just like that, i took it all away from him.

how can you expect me to think about victory when i just made another man lose? when i now carry with me the burden of all the promises, hopes and dreams he left behind?

who can say that any one person deserves to win more than another?


yet, the truth of the matter is that both of us gambled our lives willingly and knowingly. both of us understood the possible consequences of our actions, accepted them and agreed to live bravely through them.

still, it doesn't make winning any easier.