talk

and then, she began talking to herself.

years of solitude had driven her to it.

sitting in her little room day in and day out. nothing to do except watch television or recite religious teachings from the book.

hadn't her family noticed it? hadn't they seen her sit there with a blank expression on her face. hadn't they asked?

and then, she began talking to herself.

first it was to other people. "what is that man saying? can you hear what he's saying?"

"what man?"

"that man in the corner. here, come closer, sir. i cannot hear you from way over there."

"what are you talking about? there's no one there."

"there! in the corner! come closer, please! speak up!"

with furrowed brow and a concern only for the 2 minutes that had been wasted, the family left the room.

and then, she began talking to herself.

"instead of talking from over there, why not just come in? i'll wait for you. here's our address. come. come and we'll talk properly. no, that's not the address. listen carefully, now. got it? ok, i'll wait for you."

and she got out of her chair in her room.

"family! family! open the door! we have guests!"

"what? what are you talking about? what guests?"

"i don't know. he said he was coming."

"who said?"

"i told him i would wait for him. i gave him our address. open the door for him."

"gave who our address? who is this man?"

"i don't know. open the door. i told him i would wait for him."

"there is no one there! no one rang the door bell! there is no man!"

"eh? there's no one at the door..."

"of course there isn't!"

"he said he would come."

the door slammed shut, and she returned to her room. what little color she had, drained from her face.

and then, she began talking to herself.

"did you get the address right? here it is again. got it? ok, good. come when you're ready. i'll be waiting."

and she dressed herself.

washed her white hair and styled it with her fingers for it was curly and could not be brushed.

powdered her face and colored her lips.

opened a tiny box which contained her tiny trinkets. clipped them to her ears. stuck one in her hair. nestled one around her neck. and threaded the rest through her hands and fingers.

dug into her closet and pulled out her finest blouse.

slipped on her socks and shoes and left her room.

with her purse under one arm and her cane in the other she hobbled to the front door.

"where are you going?!"

"the man is coming."

"what man?!"

"i don't know. he said he would come. i'll just wait for him here. if he comes, he comes. if he doesn't then he doesn't"

"you got dressed to go out with someone you don't even know?! who is he?! what does he want!?"

"he should be here soon. i gave him our address. i'll just sit here untill he comes."

"no one is coming!"

"he wanted to talk to me but i couldn't hear him. so i asked him to come."

and she sat down and waited.

and then, she began talking to herself.

the grandma...

... has been accusing the maid of stealing her stuff.

grandma now refers to the maid as (roughly translated) "the thief".

she's recently started telling me that this thing or that is missing from her room.

problem is, i really don't understand maybe three-quarters or more of what she's saying.

so most of the time its her talking and me trying to figure out what it is exactly she's trying to say.

tone of voice, gestures and what little understanding of Cantonese/Hokkien combine together to make a passive listener.

during one such accussational session, she suddenly veered off topic and stared talking about how she raised her children.

something about her children wanting to go to an English-speaking school, and how every cent she had went into paying the tuition fees.

"they say its better, you know. your dad thought so, your aunt thought so. so what could I do? i payed. everything cent i had i used to pay. it was expensive."

she never talked to me about these things before. most times its stuff like "i don't have much appetite anymore." or "look. look at my arm. i suddenly have this spot. it was never there before." or "i wanted to go to the temple, but i get tired so easily now. how can i go? i walk a couple of steps and i'm tired. i'm old."

i don't say anything. i don't know what to say and how to say it. most i know how to say is "yes" or "no" so that leaves me with a lot of nodding and smiling in between.

but this time, i felt like i had enough.

she'd just been showing me all her little hiding spots, and how she couldn't sleep because she's afraid the maid would come in and steal her things in her sleep, and how nobody believes her about the maid stealing her things. 15 mins into this, she pulls up a chair "here come. why don't you sit down."

"i can't stay. i have an appointment." i remained standing, arms folded and my feet turned away.

she's a little hard of hearing, so i have to raise my voice everytime i talk to her.

this time, i thought i sounded dfferent.

maybe it was because her room was small and stuffy, or maybe i was frustrated, but i could hear myself speak. it was almost like i heard it for the first time. and it wasn't pleasant.

she didn't persue the matter and just sat there and sighed.

less than a minute later, my phone rang.

without excusing myself, i left her room and answered it.

a minute later i was back and she had gotten up and was washing her face.

"it's ok. go watch your TV." she said softly.

and i did leave. i went out and had a good time with my friends.
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i've often given myself the excuse of looking after the grandma, being around the house so that i could do something if anything should happen, as a reason not to study or work overseas. as a reason not to get a regular job so that i could have the time to react to emergencies. as a reason for me to have time to deal with things more important than money, commercial success and fame.

well done, bob.