the market economy is lined to the brim with assholes and cock-suckers.

once again, the hired hand is shown his rightful place at the bottom of the economical pile.

i've never questioned my distaste of modern day economy, and everyday i grow more adamant of my decision. the more i participate, the more i place myself as a cog in the wheel, the more i don't regret never looking for a steady job.

sure, i have less to spend. sure, my future is only as far as my next meal. but by God i will eat those meals with a clear conscience and with a peace of mind.

yes, its true. i insinuate that "i am good" and i will even go as far as to say that i'm a nice guy. i've hurt people, this is true. and if any one of you are reading this now, you know... you KNOW, i'm too naive to have done it on purpose.

we feel sorry for the nice guys who finish last, if they ever finish at all, but look at the rich and famous, who've stepped on the toes of a million others to get to where they are, and envy them.

today i tried to stand up for my rights. and what i got was an earful about how i should "be like the lao jiao's" and take it in stride.

"Look at them, never say anything. They so cool. The most next time don't do job for this company loh. You make yourself paiseh only."

man. you keep swallowing and swallowing and wonder if people see just how big your belly's gotten from all the crap people force down your throat. but no, they see only the shit that comes out... and its all my fault.

back in 2000

"I am 20 years old. And I have been for 3 months now. What have I done that could be worth noting? Worth the writing space on this book and the ink in this pen? If I think carefully, really carefully, I fear I may find nothing of such importance at all. But surely, you say, there must be SOMETHING? A birthday perhaps? A holiday in a foreign country, maybe? I too, of all people, would wish it true, of course. But alas, I need disappoint you, as well as myself, on this occasion, for there have been no such events.

I could be lying, of course, for you may feel that I do not owe it to anyone to reveal those issues which have most dearly influenced me. And you may be right, if not for the fact that should I choose to do so, I risk putting myself in such a position that would label me a simpleton or a fool, that even the slightest experience passed me by without my notice or afterthought. But this is the truth, and thus cannot be avoided. History, monotony, repetition - all is part of life. And in my life, a very big part indeed.

But the truth need not be told one way, the same way it has been told for centuries until now - with a pinch of salt, a hint of spice and an idiotically generous amount of enthusiasm - so that even the most mindlessly common household chore or activity would amazingly transform into a languish and glamorous earth-shattering event of magnificent proportions.

No, the truth can be told as it is, with no frills or decorations, without embarrassment or a fear that it might no impress, without worry that recipients of such factual information would care less. The truth is the truth as a rose is a rose is a rose, and keeping it that way would do nothing more than serve to enhance its value as it basks in its innate authenticity.

The truth is a rare and valuable thing, unintentionally made so through countless generations of, I believe, fear. Fear of rejection, fear of isolation, fear of mockery, fear of boredom. I for one have most definitely contributed to truth's exceedingly high value. And I am ashamed.

Could it be that the very reason why I have nothing important to relate is due to the fact that I have yet to be truthful to myself? Or could it be that I have been too truthful? In other words, scared. What are people's expectations of me? Would my experiences match up to those around me? what if they are unimpressed? What if they laugh? Wait. Now I contradict myself."

- bob, Dec 2000