exactly what the title says.
can't please anyone anymore. when i was younger i always had this feeling of contenment and self-fulfillment... not to be arrogant or anything but i always thought whatever i did or decide was right, or would eventually turn out to be so. that people would eventually 'get it' and agree with my point of view. dumb guys.
but nowadays (its the growing old i tell ya!) everything and anything i do just simply isn't good enough. i can only venture to guess that it started when i failed my first module (damn you Stella Quah!!!! DAAAaaMNNnnNNgghh YOOOUUU!!!!11!!!!!!11!)
being oblivious is good. or should i say, not having other people's expectations weigh down on your own sense of self worth is good. no, wait. having pressure from external sources is good because it forces you to assess yourself better... it introduces you to things you might otherwise have missed, or simply tell you that your standards really aren't making the cut. being aware of your shortcomings is like a sign of maturity... and people who like to point that out to you often do so because it heightens their own sense of importance. i know, because i'm one of them.
but god dammit, stop judging me by
your standards! i don't judge you (actually i do, but still...)!! i mean, look at yourself! you grow up complaining about the f**kin rat race and how the corporate world sucks a** and when you have a choice to do something about it, you up and f**kin participate!!!
"its like that one, lah. no choice, mah... must eat, right?... eh, bob, you no job yet, ah? dun be slacker can? f**kin slacker, leh you... wake up, lah... this is reality, loh... you think you can become a great director? please, lah... stop dreaming, can?"
"i have a job, wat... i'm a freelance videographer..."
"freelance? means jobless, lah?! today working? no, right? tomolo working? no, right? means jobless, lah! you trying to bluff who?"
"i have a project coming up next week..."
"cannot like that lah, cock! you think you can survive like that? how to become rich like that, work one day and rest five days? wake up your f**king idea, lah"
"i write when i'm free..."
"writing? can earn money one, ah? how much? can marry and raise children, anot? no, right? then?!!"
so let me get this straight, you're better than me because you hold down a 9 to 5 job and earn a stable income? you're better than me because you work more overtime than me? you're better than me because the people around you go:
"wow, you're an accountant/lawyer/architect/doctor/engineer? you must be earning, what, a 6 figure salary?"
"yup"
"what about you bobby? what are you doing?"
"i'm a freelance videographer/film-maker"
"oh... your interest, lah. quite interesting."
f**k you. what gives you the right to look down on me? what did you do to make you feel like you have the right to judge me, to condescend me.
of course this ranting will just make things worse. i'm like a mac-head trying to tell the world why i'm right and all you microsoft dumdums have got it all wrong. and they will only scoff. no matter what i say, people will believe what they will. people will call me childish and juvenile for believing what i believe. i will never be right.
and i will never be good enough. god dammit.
